How I Met Your Mother
by Mecha74
Summary: My take on how and why Eve was banished to Purgatory ten thousand years ago. Features the archangels Michael, Raphael and a cameo by the horseman Death.


HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER

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The Neolithic age.

Eight thousand B.C.

Somewhere in Syria, not too far from the Euphrates River.

A village belonging to the Mureybetan people lay in ruins as a horde of flesh eating Rugaru fed upon its inhabitants.

From a hilltop not too far away a creature that appeared to be human watched stoically with a sense of satisfaction. She would eventually come to be known by many names, but in this time and place, to the stone age peoples who dwelled here, she was simply evil incarnate. She was the living breathing embodiment of every nightmare they had ever had and more. At her feet was one of the Rugarus, it rubbed against her legs like a kitten wanting attention. Eve looked down at the hideous creature with an affectionate smile as she reached down and caressed its cheek causing it to emit a purring-like sound.

Just then however, the sound of flapping wings and rustling wind signaled new arrivals behind her as she turned around.

Standing before her were the two archangels Michael and Raphael. The Rugaru that had been at Eve's side fled in fear at their approach.

"God's firstborn celestials, to what do I owe the honor?" She said.

"The mother of all monsters I presume?" Michael spoke up.

"You presume correctly."

"We bring a message from our father."

"And what message might that be?"

"Stop."

"Stop?"

"Yes, you threaten to overrun the world with your creations. Your offspring jeopardize the very future of humankind. God is not pleased with this."

"Well, perhaps if God didn't play around with his pesky ice ages so much there would be enough of his precious humans around to proliferate the species and keep my children fed."

"You dare speak such against out father?" Raphael challenged.

"I simply speak the truth."

"God is not to blame for that. He may have created the heavens and the Earth, but the cycles of nature that he crafted operate of their own accord." Michael explained.

"Simply more excuses." Eve shot back.

"So, I hear that you call yourself Eve now. Does your blasphemy know no limits?" Michael asked.

"Eve was the mother of all humanity was she not? I in turn am the mother of all of my kind."

"It is sacrilege!" Raphael boomed angrily.

"No, that was committed by Adam and Eve, who damned humankind for all time through their actions. I on the other hand will lead my children to a glorious new future."

"There are currently five hundred million people on this planet, and already your spawn threaten to outnumber and overwhelm them." Michael informed her.

"My progeny have as much right to live as God's does."

"God created you as well. You forget your place Eve." Raphael belittled her.

"And just who are you to dictate what that is? I am far older and more powerful than either of you, God himself saw to that."

"Perhaps so, but we are his messengers, his soldiers. We are they who deliver his divine will. And while it is true that you and your descendants have a place here on Earth, you must never forget that despite that, the humans are God's chosen race."

"Chosen race? A bunch of hairless monkeys that quiver in fear inside their dwellings of mud when they're not too busy scrawling drawings on cave walls? His faith in them is misplaced. Lucifer would agree I'm sure."

"Silence thy tongue lest I remove it from you!" Raphael menaced.

"If you believe you can infant then do so." Eve dared him.

"Be careful Eve, or have you forgotten that as archangels our power is not affected by you as is other lesser angels." Michael warned her.

"And for that reason do you suffer from the misconception that I fear you?"

"We are God's wrath given form! And you will suffer for your defiance!" Raphael swore.

"You are clearly already suffering…from delusions of grandeur." Eve mocked.

"So you will not stand down? Is that your final choice?" Michael asked.

"It is."

"Then you leave us no choice." Michael stated as both he and Raphael then charged forward at blinding speed rocking Eve with a series of punches.

But at one point she caught both of their fists as she began to crush their wrists in her hands. The two archangels then brought up their free hands as they summoned their white light killing attack. But when it cleared she stood there none the worse for wear as she smirked and then threw both of them back away from her as they landed with a hard thud upon the ground. The two celestials then teleported. Michael appeared directly in front of Eve while Raphael appeared right behind her as they both drew their divine blades, but they could not penetrate her skin. One right fist from Eve doubled Michael over while a spinning backhand sent Raphael flying once more.

Meanwhile Michael brought forth his most terrible attack as he outstretched his hand and then closed it. Instantly Eve exploded in a shower of blood and gore. For a brief instant Eve's true essence floated before them. It's composition was like that of light, only completely black instead. Then it seemingly vanished. Afterward Raphael rejoined him.

"It is done." Michael said.

"Do you think father will be angry?"

"I do not know brother, but in any case I will bear the brunt of the responsibility for what has happened here."

But as they turned away they saw a small child from the village who couldn't have been more than ten walking toward them.

"What is this, a survivor?" Raphael surmised curiously, not that he cared one way or the other, he simply found it interesting that a child could have survived the massacre.

In the meantime Michael was scrutinizing her closely with senses only an angel could possess.

"No…not a child, it's…Eve!" He managed to shout right before the tiny figure bolted up to them at blinding speed.

Eve managed to punch her right fist clean through Michael while simultaneously punching Raphael's head clean off of his body. She hadn't been trying to destroy their vessels before, simply humiliate them, but now…she was pissed. Raphael's headless vessel fell to the ground as Michael fell to his knees. Wrenching her arm back out of him she then grabbed the top of his mouth with her right hand while getting a firm grip on his bottom jaw with her left…she then ripped his head open like a blood gushing Pez dispenser. Michael's body then toppled over and moved no more, though Eve knew that she hadn't truly killed them, simply destroyed their vessels as they had hers. But she still took great satisfaction in her handiwork nonetheless.

"Silly little cherubs." Eve gloated.

It was then however that lightning and thunder erupted from the sky as the very ground began to shake. The earth itself split open as Eve took a step back. Rising up from the fissure…was the horseman Death. God could have sent Michael and Raphael back down in new vessels, but instead chose a more permanent solution.

"So, God has seen fit to bring you forth?" Eve asked.

"Indeed he has."

"Sent you to smite me has he?"

"Actually no." Death said as with a wave of his hand a tear in the fabric of reality itself opened up behind Eve.

"Is that what I think it is?" She asked as she looked over her shoulder at the gaping black hole.

"Yes, Purgatory. You see God is far more merciful than you give him credit for. He never wanted you dead and he still doesn't, despite your heresy. You will be sealed away, while the numbers of your brood are curbed." Death informed her as she looked back at him with disdain.

"This isn't over. I will find a way to return one day…even if it takes several millennia. That I promise you."

Death said nothing, he instead simply snapped his fingers as the swirling vortex surged forward and enveloped her. Afterward it closed shut.

In the meantime God himself took precautions. He reached down with his divine hand and touched one of Eve's own creations, the phoenix. He made its ashes capable of harming her in the advent that she should return to dare transgress against him again.

Eve had been dealt with…for now.

END


End file.
